This moment in history is ours
to do with what we will.
The hour upon us is dark.
Our very way of life is under attack.
Our dedication to evil, besieged.
But we will not shy from adversity.
Niles Caulder will be stopped.
Evidently, he's taken out our man in Paraguay.
And that insufferable Eric Morden along with him.
Je m'en fous.
In light of this new intelligence, it appears we are next on his list.
However, it'll take much more
than whatever two-bit army Caulder's building to stop us.
Monsieur Mallah.
Send him in.
Kindly send him in.
Please.
I thought you said this was fixed.
- It was working this morning. - We have access to the most
- advanced alien technology... - I told you it works, just jammed.
- ...and we can't even... - Let me just try and...
- Oh, goddamn it. Just leave it. - ...see if I can...
- Okay. Fine. - Leave it.
- Okay. - Maureen, send him in!
Behold, Garguax The Decimator.
Eater of worlds.
Annihilator of Zortain.
Raider of the Seven Galaxies of Cressida.
It's just us, Samuelson. Relax.
Thank you for coming, Garguax.
You've already been briefed, so I'll be quick.
Our crusade against Caulder is in jeopardy, and we need back-up.
When this transponder gives the signal
you'll know the target's on-site.
She must be eliminated.
Swiftly and with severity.
Of course.
And who is the target?
You're our most trusted ally, Garguax.
We're counting on you.
The fate of our entire organization rests in your hands.
Make us proud.
Week one. We're in.
No sign of the target.
But when she dares to show her face, we'll be ready.
In the meantime, our presence here will go completely unnoticed.
Thanks.
Behold. Garguax The Decimator.
Eater of worlds.
Annihilator of Zortain.
Raider of the Seven Galaxies of Cressida.
Jim Thompson.
LifeGroup Insurance.
And he said to me, "I am a proctologist."
And I said, "Great. Then you shouldn't have any trouble."
"Pulling your head out of your ass."
Week 87. Still no sign.
Ever vigilant. Garguax.
Week 143.
Still no sign.
Week 247. Week 292.
Still no sign.
Ever vigilant. Garguax. Still no sign.
Ever vigilant. Garguax.
Week 326.
Still no sign.
Ever vigilant.
Garguax.
My Lord.
The...
My God.
Week 2,189.
Still no sign of the target.
Ever vigilant.
Goddamn it!
There are mysterious things in this world that bear keeping an eye on...
Shit.
Shit...
Goddamn it, Larry. Where are you when I need you?
Is that what I think it is?
Is that your home, pal?
You wanna show me your home?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Hey, little buddy. It's okay. I got ya.
I got ya. It's okay.
All good. I'm on it.
Think this little hellraiser was just looking for some attention.
Which is why we were hoping to let him cry it out
so that he can start going to sleep on his own.
What? No.
You can't spoil a baby in the fourth trimester
he'll get into a rhythm when he's ready.
Okay. Thanks, Cliff.
It's okay, sweet boy. It's okay.
Dad, is your hand...
Turkey cheddar sandwiches are out in the kitchen.
Toasted the rolls, just like you like.
I put together the new stroller.
Finished up a load of laundry, and I'll swing by the market
to grab some more diapers for Professor PoopyPants here.
Anything else you want me to get while I'm there?
- No. I think we're good. - Okay.
Cool...
- I'm gonna go get the mail. - Awesome.
I get that the guy wants to make up for lost time
but does he gotta do it all at once?
He's just excited.
Hey, have you, by any chance, noticed how his hand...
Oh, God.
Sorry.
A bit jammed up. Baby's fine.
Just a little sun shower.
Hey.
It's okay, Rory. It's okay.
- You all right? - Yep. This is just...
It happens sometimes. All good.
All right.
Come on, you stupid fuckin' piece of shit robot body. Goddamn it!
Call initiated.
You're shitting me.
I shit you not, dude.
Our lead on the Quorum breach checked out.
- Evers had help. - Who?
Wait, let's not talk on open lines.
Call Terminated.
Grid, run another facial recognition search on Roni Evers.
Scanning.
Inconclusive.
Where are you?
Grid, cross-check her last known whereabouts with...
Mandatory shutdown initiated.
Grid, what are you...
What the hell?
- Let me explain. - Explain what?
Why I'm standing here calling you from a flip phone
I haven't used since middle school?
I was gonna call, but things have been a bit tense around here lately.
What's goin' on?
Your actions had consequences, that's what's goin' on.
- What? - Quorum sent S.T.A.R. Labs
their security feed from a few days back
- and guess who made quite a cameo. - All right.
- I know how it looks... - I won't sit here
and pretend to understand why you did what you did.
But this is bad.
No matter the excuse.
At the end of the day, Cyborg let a criminal go free.
That's all I am to you?
"Cyborg." Brought to you by S.T.A.R. Labs.
Don't even try it. We both know that's not true.
- Isn't it? - If it were
I wouldn't be doing everything in my power to smooth this over
and save your ass.
So, maybe a little gratitude?
They can't just shut me down.
You shut yourself down, son.
There's gotta be something I can do...
Don't do anything to piss them off more than you already have.
- Just lie low. - Can I at least just...
Just lie low!
Excuse me?
Hello?
A little help, please?
Hello?
- What the hell happened? - Oh, just one of my episodes.
I need to get out of here.
I'll get the sump pump.
I mean, out of this insufferable house.
Everywhere you turn in this place, it's Niles...
- It's exhausting. - All right.
So, take a walk.
I was thinking more like a vacation.
A proper vacation.
I can't go on vacation right now.
- I got a lot goin' on. - Oh, really?
Like what?
I'll get my laptop.
That won't be necessary.
- I wanna say... - Secretary.
If you need assistance booking travel, allow me.
Done.
Codsville Mountain Resort.
It satisfies all the requirements I assume you're looking for.
All-inclusive. Inexpensive. Remote. Quiet. Cable TV.
And bottomless mimosa brunches
every day in a place called the Bing Bang Room.
Sold!
You coming?
I'm saving up my vacation days for a trip to Dollywood.
Okay. Does Jane wanna come?
I'm sorry.
Jane's currently unavailable.
Kay?
What are you doing up here?
I was curious.
It's been a while since I last looked out.
I didn't even think you knew this place existed.
- Are you okay? - I was gonna ask you the same thing.
What do you mean?
Niles.
He's gone now.
Are you sad?
It's complicated.
But I'm fine.
They're going on a trip.
I'll tell them, "Bon Voyage."
- We're not going? - I don't really need a vacation.
Wait, do you wanna go?
I think we should.
I think it might be good for you.
I'm in.
But you fuck rags better not ruin this.
Victor, fetch the sump pump.
What about Tin Man?
Fuck!
Fuck... fuckin' shit body. Fuck!
Still no luck?
Any second now.
So, there's no one we can call?
Sweety, it's fine. I'm okay. Really.
This doesn't have anything to do with your hand issue, does it?
What hand issue?
Dad, come on, seriously? I'm not stupid.
I've seen your hand tremor.
Oh, that? It's nothing.
It's probably just some built up electrical discharge or some shit.
Mel's meemaw had a similar issue.
Before she, you know, before she passed away.
Mel's meemaw?
Who died when she was, like, a hundred and ninety-three?
What was it?
Parkinson's.
Well, that sucks.
But last I checked, robots don't get Parkinson's.
Maybe robots with human brains can.
Look, I'm not trying to freak you out, or anything.
I just think you need to get it checked out.
I'm fine.
Dad.
I am really happy we're in each other's lives again.
I am.
But if you're gonna keep lookin' after Rory and drivin' my wife nuts
in the process, I need to be sure it's safe.
For his sake.
And also, I love you.
I love you, too.
Fuck!
Hey, dipshit.
Hey, guys.
We're going on vacation.
Nice... Suitcase.
Not a suitcase.
It's a useless sack of shit.
I heard that.
It's me, Cliff. Rita.
Like I said. So...
- You in, or what? - Fuck, yes!
Can someone do me a solid and knock me on my ass real quick?
That usually loosens me right up.
- You sure that's really such a... - With fucking pleasure.
Thanks, Hammerhead.
What a ghost town.
Is this really the best place Secretary could find?
Is it dreadful?
Please tell me it's not dreadful.
Well, there's a lake.
This says not to swim.
Leeches gather along the shoreline.
Oh, dear God.
Quiet, sack.
They have Wi-Fi, right?
They have a rotary phone in the lobby for $2.99 a minute.
But seems like there's lots of cool activities on the grounds.
Like that one.
What is it?
It's called The Backbone.
Quickest way to discover who you really are.
The only way to reach the top is to let go of all your fear.
Says here, Back in the '70s, Nixon climbed up
and when he came back down, he resigned.
What was that?
Hey, pal?
Negative Spirit, release...
Where'd you go?
You're not actually gonna climb that thing, are you?
Why?
What's the problem?
It's a deathtrap.
Chicken shit.
A'ight.
Up you go.
You gonna get that checked out anytime soon?
Jesus Christ, you sound like my daughter.
What the hell is the point in getting me "checked out?"
So, you can find out what's wrong?
And then what? Sink into another 20-year depression
when I also find out that there's nothing I can actually do about it?
- Maybe there is. - Right.
'Cause I'm that lucky.
Nah. If I'm livin' on borrowed time
I'm not gonna waste it like I did before.
I'm gonna enjoy the ever-living fuck out of it!
And finding out I might have some terminal disease
isn't exactly my idea of a fuckin' party.
Got that, Baby Blue?
I was wondering how long it would take you to give me shit about this.
Seriously, what's the deal?
I'm kind of on ice, right now.
S.T.A.R. Labs isn't too happy with me.
Roni got into some trouble, and I tried to help her out of it.
Makes sense.
- You love her. - Whoa, it's not about that.
I was just trying to give her another chance.
Help her go in a different direction.
'Cause you love her.
No, 'cause she's a good person who got dealt a bad hand.
And she deserves better.
- I was just trying to give her that. - 'Cause you...
This is not about Roni, all right?
I just don't like havin' my wings clipped.
That's all.
I'm Cyborg.
My tech is part of who I am.
Your tech is just a bunch of tangled wires and twisted metal.
It's got nothing to do with who you are.
Trust me.
Unfurrow your brow, Jane.
You can't afford the frown lines.
You can't even see me.
But I don't need to.
Are you going to relax at all on this vacation?
I'm relaxed.
She said with ever the defensive tone.
Look, I'm just not built to "kick back," okay?
- That's not my job. - I see.
But surely the others won't begrudge you a little
well-deserved time for self-care.
They don't.
They've actually been trying to help out more.
Even The Girl.
But that's not how it's supposed to work.
I'm the one who looks out for her. Not the other way around.
I guess I've just been a little off lately 'cause...
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
What about you?
Is this place helping with your situation?
Let's see.
Not yet.
To be completely honest, I'm not in any particular hurry to reconstitute.
- Why not? - Even if I could manage
to pull myself together, what's the point?
Who would I even be?
I tried to be Rita Farr, I failed.
I tried to be The Beekeeper, I failed.
And poor Gertrude Cramp...
She never even had a chance.
Yeah.
Wait, who the fuck is "The Beekeeper?"
A failed effort to reinvent myself.
However, I think "amorphous putty woman" suits me better.
Even if this vacation fails to restore my body
at the very least, we're out of the Chief's dismal flophouse.
It's a bit difficult to move past one's grief
when you're still eating the departed's Rocky Road.
He really was a rat bastard, wasn't he?
What a cruel thing to say about rats.
First, he ruins our lives and then he just...
abandons us.
Unforgiveable.
Thank Heavens we're finally free of him.
Yep.
So, it's settled then.
We're glad he's gone.
Yep.
I'm fine. I'm fuckin' fine.
I don't need to get checked up.
Why don't you get fuckin' checked up?
Everyone needs to fuckin' relax.
Sounds like you're the one that needs to relax.
Oh, sorry! Didn't think anyone else was in here.
No problem.
You know, this place'll do wonders for you if you let it.
Garguax, the decimator.
- Cliff Steele. - Pleasure.
First time at the resort?
Yeah. You?
Technically, sure.
Yeah, I've been here a while though.
Hey, have you tried that Backbone thing by any chance?
Fuck no!
You think I got a death wish?
If I was a younger man, maybe. But...
Those days are behind me now.
I hear you, brother.
I'd give my left wing nut to claw back a couple of the good years.
Yeah, when it was good, it was really fucking good, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man!
When I was at the top of my game
and I saw something I wanted
I just took it.
No questions asked.
Same here.
I was a shitty asshole
but I was the best goddamn shitty asshole there ever was.
I had everything.
Then one day, boom.
Boom.
Nothin'.
Best years of my life.
Gone.
Thought maybe, just maybe
I might be able to crawl out from under the wreckage
and put a few of the broken pieces back together. But lately...
I don't know.
Time, man.
It's a real kick in the ass, ain't it?
Yeah.
- Fucking Niles Caulder. - Fucking Niles Caulder.
- That fucking guy! - That fucking guy!
- What did he do to you? - Oh, nothing.
I just had this whole bright future ahead of me
and that fucking guy blew it the fuck up.
Yep. That sounds like fucking Niles.
Well, we're better men now, I guess.
- Yeah. I guess. - Yeah.
There comes a time where you just gotta
give into your fate and say, "Fuck it."
You know what I mean?
Sure.
I'll see you around, Cliff.
Yeah.
See ya.
God, I miss alcohol.
Are we sure there's actually any in here?
Or is it just some mystery mix of red and blue sugar water?
I don't know, Rita. Why don't I go get the mixologist
and ask her which top-shelf booze she used
to make our six-dollar scorpion bowl?
This place blows.
Behold. Garguax The Decimator.
Eater of worlds.
Annihilator of Zortain.
Raider of the Seven Galaxies...
What in the ever-loving fuck!
What is it? What's going on?
- Hey, Cliff. - Hey, Garg.
- Who the hell is that? - Who? Garguax?
Oh, he's my new resort buddy. Nice guy.
You know, you always realize what a small world it is
when you go on vacation.
Turns out, he hates Niles' fucking guts
as much as we do. What are the odds?
Wait. He knew Niles?
Guess so.
My Lord, who are those guests?
I don't know who the other ones are, but the robot guy is Cliff.
He's good people.
There are metahumans staying at this resort?
So?
Anyone else think there's some kind of cause for concern here?
I'll ask again.
- What is going on? - Well...
a red alien guy just called a green alien guy
"Garguax, the decimator."
So not much. Are they supervillains?
What? No!
It's probably just a dumb nickname.
Yeah.
He probably just picked it up at his freshman year at Dartmouth.
So, we're we really just gonna sit here?
Look, even if the guy's a supervillain, which he's not
- he's clearly on vacation. - Yeah, or retired.
So why don't we let low-budget Shrek and his buddy eat in peace, yeah?
If you're looking to me for backup, Victor, don't bother.
My buzz is finally kicking in.
No.
Hey, fellas.
I'm Cyborg.
On our home planet
that word, cyborg, means fish fucker.
I'm sorry, do we have a problem here?
There's no problem here, Mr. Cyborg.
We're just trying to enjoy our vacation.
- That's all I'm asking. - "That's all I'm asking."
Okay, thank you, Columbo. Now...
I'll leave you fellows to it.
We worked it out.
Our hero.
That guy said Garguax eats worlds.
I really think we should do something.
I'm confused. I could have sworn you said you worked it out.
Come on.
This is a lay-up.
Taking this guy on is the lowest possible super team bar we can clear.
Not a super team, Blue Steel.
- Yeah, Ol' Blue Eyes. - Yeah, Blue Light Special.
Nice!
Not for nothing, but maybe you shouldn't be judging
who is and isn't a villain.
If you were willing to look the other way for your girlfriend
- why not this guy? - Leave her out of this.
- Just sayin'. - You said it yourself, Cliff.
Garguax was an enemy of Niles. We should do this for him.
You got it twisted, Blue Balls.
"The enemy of my enemy is my friend."
If that guy hates Niles, that's all I need to know.
Why don't we all take a breath and relax?
We're all on vacation.
A vacation for what?
Like, a vacation implies you actually have a job
that you need to take a break from. We don't do anything.
That's not true.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
So, is this how the Beekeeper would handle this situation?
Apparently, so.
Looking the other way is what I do best.
Add the Chief's faith in me to the list of his many faults.
He foolishly believed I was destined for heroism
but when the call to action actually came, I promptly hung up.
What are you talking about, sad sack? What happened?
Niles left me a key to a secret compartment in the manor.
Last night, a strange device
was emitting some kind of unbearably vexing signal.
I can't be sure what it was
but it's entirely possible someone was in need of help.
And you didn't say anything?
No, Victor, I didn't say anything.
I didn't do anything.
I did the exact opposite of what a hero is supposed to do.
I came on vacation.
If I'm going to be honest with myself
then I should at least get to be myself.
I'm no hero.
The Beekeeper was yet another mediocre role
I played to middling reviews.
Another pathetic attempt at relevance in a world
that would sooner see me forgotten.
A quiet obscurity worked well enough for decades.
I mean...
perhaps it's time I return to what I know.
- You did nothing wrong. - How can you say that?
Not a super team.
Maybe we should leave stuff like this
to the people who are actually equipped to deal with it.
That's us. Look at me.
I'm literally equipped to deal with it.
- Not anymore. - You know what, Cliff?
How about you take a break from the hero schtick Cyborg
and just be for a minute?
That's why we all came here, right?
You all got your own shit to deal with.
- I got my own shit to deal with. - You mean avoid?
Oh, fuck all the way off, dude.
What is he talking about?
You wanna tell 'em, or should I?
Okay, I'll tell 'em.
Cliff has a brain issue, and he won't do anything about it.
- Are you okay? - Will everybody stop
fucking asking me that?
I'm fine, okay? I'm fine!
Before you ask, no, I'm not gonna get it checked out.
Even if I wanted to, who's gonna do it?
The one guy who might have known how to help me is dead, remember?
Niles is fucking dead!
He stuck my fucked-up brain in this fucked up body
and now he's worm food.
And you want me to do this for him? Fuck him!
I don't owe him jack motherfuckin' squat, none of us do.
So fuck his little secret compartment
and fuck his little green nemesis.
This shit is not our shit. I'm fucking done!
Give it a rest, dude.
Just 'cause you're in the penalty box doesn't make us your plan B.
You wanna be the Chief's badass
crime-fighting Doom Patrol so badly
but that's just not who we are.
When are you gonna get that through your thick metal skull?
Man, screw all of y'all.
I knew it.
I knew it!
The second I laid eyes on that bunch, I knew something was amiss.
This is it, My Lord.
Our time has finally come.
My Lord, what are you doing?
We're done, Samuelson.
It's over.
"Over?"
You said you heard them talk of Caulder and his Doom Patrol.
You saw her, she's finally here.
This is it.
Niles is dead.
And that poor woman's a wreck.
She's not gonna be a harm to anyone.
Just leave her alone.
"Leave her alone?"
More than 70 years we've waited.
Day after day after day.
And now, the moment we've been waiting for finally arrives and...
And you wish to do nothing?
They're nice people
and clearly no more beholden to Niles than we are to The Brain.
- We are beholden to The Brain. - No.
That thing has never given us a signal.
And it never will.
Maybe that was our mission once
but missions are supposed to serve a greater cause.
And that cause is long past.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
The Brain's cause is still our cause.
We cannot give up on the mission.
We're not giving up on the mission.
The mission gave up on us.
Thank you for your service, old friend.
But it's time to move on.
My Lord, you're not thinking clearly.
My mind hasn't been this clear in a long time.
Start packing your things.
We leave tonight.
This is a good thing, Samuelson.
We're finally free.
Fucking Niles!
I'm fucking done with all this bullshit!
I have my own shit to deal with.
And I don't avoid it, I deal with it.
Fuck!
I fucking deal with it!
Fuck!
Fuck...
I thought we were done with all this.
The bandages, the special suits.
This was supposed to be a fresh start.
We were supposed to be one.
I thought we were in this together.
Run.
Fuck!
I'm sorry.